Books that make you go ..huh?

Not a title I would have given to a children’s book… a backpacker’s guide to Australian drinking habits, maybe!

5 (more) books to avoid at all costs

1. Dear Zoo by Rod Campbell

‘Dear Zoo’, writes the child in this book, ‘Send me a pet’.

So the Zoo sends the child a frog. But he’s too jumpy, so they send him back.

So the Zoo sends the child a snake. But he’s too slimy, so they send him back.

A giraffe? Too tall. A lion? Too fierce. But a puppy? Just right.

Lesson #1 to be learnt from the Zoo: Make a fuss until you get exactly what you want.

Lesson #2: If you are tall, jumpy or in anyway uncuddly or uncute, you better watch that you’re not about to be sent back.

2. But Not the Hippopotamus by Sandra Boynton

But Not the Hippopotamus is a board book with tight rhymes which makes it an ideal selection if you’re looking for a book for a younger child. Provided, that is, that you’re looking for ’Baby’s First Guide to Bullying’.

Poor Mr Hippopotamus is left out of everything. All his friends are having fun – the moose and the goose are drinking juice but not the hippopotamus.

The book goes on like this, detailing all the ways the hippopotamus is excluded until the other animals finally invite him to join in on the fun and juice-drinking action.

But not the armadillo!

Huh? Pardon? What is a child supposed to learn from that?

The moral of the story: Invite others to play with you so they don’t feel lonely. But just make sure there’s always someone left on the out.

3. The Pigeon Wants a Puppy by Mo Willems

As most pigeons do, The Pigeon wants a puppy.

I mean, it really wants a puppy. To the point where it is having a full blown tantrum, kicking and screaming, ‘I WANT A PUPPY!’.

I’m not even joking here. This stuff really happens. But even worse, the Pigeon gets the puppy.

After all the fuss it caused, the Pigeon is rewarded with what it wanted all along. But what does it say when it finally gets the puppy?

It decides that it’s really more drawn to walruses and it discards its newborn puppy.

But it gets even worse. There’s a sequel, The Pigeon Finds a Hotdog.

OK, if the Pigeon wants to eat meat, that’s one thing. But when Pigeon and Duckling start to discuss whether the hotdog tastes like chicken, I can’t help but wonder… does that count as cannibalism?

4. We’re Going on a Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury

Don’t shoot! Settle down. Let me explain.

I know that We’re Going on a Bear Hunt is a classic, but have you actually ever thought about it?

Yes, it’s fun to sing and make the silly squishing noises when they have to go through the mud but have you ever actually considered the story?

Two parents lead their three young children – including an infant – on a bear hunt. As in, a hunt for real, wild, killer bears.

The journey is treacherous and to their credit, they make it through.

Until they meet the bear.

The bear isn’t exactly chillin in the woods. He’s angry, grrring and all that, as bears do. So he chases them and they run, scared out of their minds until they’re home, where they cuddle up in bed.

So not only were they dumb enough to actively seek out danger, but once they found it they were too chicken to face it.

Cool story, Hansel.

5. My Beautiful Mommy by Michael Salzhauer

A book about a Mommy who doesn’t feel good so she gets a tummy tuck, nose job and breast implants.

“You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn’t fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.”

I’m going to go ahead and assume I don’t need to explain the levels of wrong here.

AVOID!

Marvin the bulemic sheep

Marvin Wanted More

Joseph Theobald

Bloomsbury Paperbacks

I bought Marvin Wanted More last week from one of those Dirt Cheap Book stores. I found myself running early for once in my life and wandered in hoping to find a new book for Baby.

Marvin is essentially a story about being yourself. A great message, I thought and at $4, beggars can’t be choosers. So I bought it.

What I didn’t realise is that I had bought Baby a How-To guide on bulimia.

The story goes like this: Marvin is sad because he’s small and can’t run as fast as the other sheep. So he eats… and eats… and eats until he has jumped onto the moon and eaten the world. At which point he feels lonely and sad and so – wait for it – he burps up everything he ate and life goes back to normal.

Huh?

What was Joseph Theobald thinking? A bulimic sheep with body image issues?? Oh dear…